a life of crossroads

When you haven’t a direction to go… any road will take you there.

But humans are inquisitive, and brains like to fill empty space - and this is where standing at a crossroads goes from being a world of opportunity to feeling fearful of choosing the wrong road.

I think I’ll always be the kind of gal who can pick up the concept of home and carry it wherever I find my own two feet… but I say that while still knowing that even those places won’t really feel like home… maybe because home is a concept I learned too late. Home is everywhere I find myself…. while simultaneously being nowhere at all.

Perhaps this is why I’ve always been fascinated by nomadism… From my etic perspective, nomadism calls a stretch of land as home, whilst knowing it may be forever fluid. Hopefully one day… I’ll be able to share what nomadism means from an emic perspective.

[etic meaning outsider - as someone not born into this type of existence, I can only know this concept to a undefined extent, because as someone not raised this way, I may never fully understand. emic meaning insider - someone born into this lifestyle who knows it like their own person. can this be bridged? can an outsider become an insider? this is forever debatable and entirely based on circumstance - but with the right mix of attitude, openness, and most importantly an acceptance by those who show you the way… I’d personally say almost yes]

I’ve been chasing freedom and trying to find my way. I’ve always known what I “want to be” when I “grow up,” but have always doubted myself - the older I get, the less likely my dream seems it could ever fruit. But I continue watering the roots because there’s nothing more beautiful to me than my own chase of art and freedom.

And this is where it gets fuzzy - while I could chase this for my entire lifetime - will there ever be a moment I look back and say, “why?”

Normally I don’t fret on these things, and while I’m only a ripe 26, each year past 20 feels like a clock counting down to when I can be doing “fun things” like chasing dreams while itching closer to a point when I start to disappoint my family. The irony in admitting that is half of my family will eternally be disappointed in me for what feels like a million reasons. But there’s the other half who I’ve always wanted to “make it” for.

The anthropologist is quick to say my American is showing - because cultures always have a “shared” “dream,” mostly meaning there’s a classic story of how life “should” go - for Americans it looks like going to college, working hard until you’ve landed a “good” job, buying a home, and raising a family.

The reality of shared cultural expectations is that there will always be outliers.

And if I’m personally not interested (or at the very minimum not eager to start) carrying on with that route, what exactly is there to lose? Does the age I do this or that really matter if my life goal is to create, to explore, to be and see? I’ve wanted this more than I’ve ever wanted a beautiful plot of land to raise a family on.

People always say, “what’s meant to be will be,” and even I feel tempted to lean on that. The issue is that when I try to break it down, like I always do, a statement like that relies on a plan that is laid in stone by some sort of in-control omnipotent being… and… well, I am unguided by that realm too. In which case… saying something like that quickly falls in line of “opiate of the masses.”

A quick apology to my religious friends - though you’ve probably already known this about me - and yes I will always support you in your own endeavors, and never would I fight you on something I know is uniquely important to you and those who stand in your corner… but these are my crossroads we’re exploring, and if you want to understand you have to be fully stepped into my world… and there’s just no god here.

All this to say, if all you want is to go, is a year too long to stay? Or is a year just right?

Is it wrong to settle for a time and clear out the mist of what’s next? Or do you leap into the fog and hope there’s a bridge to land on?

All roads are right when you haven’t a direction to go… but some roads require groundwork, which may require pause… but if you do, -sort of- have a direction… can a road be wrong even if it’s still not the mundane world of the American dream? Is pausing the enemy or never going?